Thursday, August 11, 2011

Itsy Bitsy

I went to the gym this morning, as I do most days, all part of the continued effort to recover my 25 year old derriere. After depositing Sophie at child care, I headed for the locker room. I dropped my bag off in one of the lockers and walked toward the long mirror that runs along the wall across from them.

As I approached the mirror, I adjusted my iPhone armband and reached up to tighten my ponytail. Now just a few feet from the mirror, I noticed a small black spot on my neck. Peering closer, I noticed that the spot was MOVING. I reached up and brushed the spot, looking at my hand as I did. Which was when I realized that the spot was actually a tiny spider and quickasaflash I whipped my hand out with a scream, flinging that spider off into locker room oblivion.

With the threat now gone, I chuckled at my reaction and gave thanks that I was alone in the room. I'm not especially freaked out by spiders. In fact, I generally like that they eat all of the other little creepy crawlies that I really don't like. I am not a fan of having them ON MY BODY, but barring that, I'm a pacifist. Live and let live, I say.

But then the itching began.

A spot on my arm. Another on my leg. On my head. My chest. My skin was crawling like a meth addict coming off the crank.

Now, I couldn't actually see any other spiders, but I am fairly certain that hundreds of the little bastards were working their way up my body. My best guess is that they were hatched from an egg sac in my belly button and they were on a mission towards my brain where they planned to burrow in and take over my body. I was ground zero for a massive spider conspiracy to take over the world.

Damn my innie genes. If only I had an outie, the rise of our arachnid overlords could have been averted.


  1. So a letter was sent home from preschool back in January. Two kids in Bub's class had head lice so they were just giving a "heads up." I spent the next two weeks itching my head, sure that I had head lice, and trying to casually paw through my children's hair to check for lice even though they weren't itching. Actually, I have to go itch my hair right now just thinking of it.

    Since you'll never again be sleeping at the house I'm living in for one more week, I'll tell you now that I've found a spider down there from time to time. You're welcome.

  2. *shudder* and am itching and off to check out my innie belly button for spiders.

  3. creeeeepy! Gah! I'm not a huge fan of spiders, but I'm not afraid of them. One time, there was a bug in my pants (I blogged about it), and I kept thinking there were bugs on me the rest of the day. Yeesh.

  4. OMG, lol you're so silly. If I saw something crawling on my neck (or anywhere else) and it was a spider? I would have fainted on the spot. Right after I did tht funky "getitoff getitoff" dance.

  5. Silly you, you probably took a shower and washed off the poison and now you are not Spider Girl. By the way, it is me, or is that mirror a skinny mirror? I love skinny mirrors...

  6. LOL! Crack me up.

    I was cleaning out the "toy corner" last week and looked over and there was a spider on my shoulder. I flung into toy oblivion. And then called the exterminator over. Ha!

  7. After waking up in a puddle of my own urine (from passing out), I would have excused myself from working out and headed straight for the nearest Chick-Fil-A for some waffle fries.

  8. You are making me itch RIGHT NOW. Thanks a lot.


Give me some sugar, baby!