Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Whole of Her
















I just rocked my sweet baby to sleep. She is almost a year old and it is the first time she has allowed me to rock her to sleep in months. I am still nursing and although she often dozes, she always twitches and awakes, signaling me to put her in her crib. She can be cuddly, my little bean, but she is not the snuggle baby she was when she was new.

It's funny, those early days were not the easiest. There is no denying that at the time I felt like I might not survive, but in truth, that adjustment period holds such sweet memories for me now. She was so tiny when we brought her home. Born at 6 pounds 13 ounces, she was down to a little over 6 pounds when we left the hospital. Ironically, I was stupefied that something so big had just come out of me. That just days before, this thing, this baby, had been inside me. I am still awed by the concept of birth. That you go in as one person and come out as two.

Those first nights at the hospital, I couldn't sleep for staring at my baby. She was so perfect. All of my fears allayed. I wish I could say that there was one thing that I hone in on as a highlight of that time, but the truth is that the whole experience left me breathless. Which is not to say that there weren't down times, because I am human after all, but every part of my baby was my favorite thing. I simply and elaborately loved the whole of her. Her smell, her little fingers and toes, her button nose and pouty lips, the little sighs she made as she settled in to sleep or nurse, the color of her eyes, her impossibly smooth skin, even her cries.

Because she was mine.

In a way that no one or thing has ever been before. The whole of that love washed over me and converted me to the church of Sophie. She became my center, my focus, my heart. I am still in awe of her and all that she has become, but sometimes, when things are quiet, I long for those newborn days when everything was new.



Best of luck to Rebecca and Kristen with the whole of your new babies!

16 comments:

  1. Thanks for the reminder to snuggle my Little Bit as much as I can while he is still so new!

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  2. OMG Cara--that pic and the memories of snuggling my newborns in the hospital--you're giving me Baby Fever!! BAD!!!

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  3. Beautifully written. I too am in love with the early days. I get scared at how fast they change and it only gets worse. I couldn't agree more.

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  4. I've been thinking about the early days too. They were really hard. It's still really hard, but for different reasons. Sometimes I wish I had another newborn so I could do it all again. I will not have that chance, which is bad and good for me for different reasons.

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  5. This whole virtual baby shower thing has my uterus in convulsions ...

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  6. Beautiful! Those early days I remember as pure magic. Even through the exhaustion and the uncertainty of what I was doing...keep those memories close to you!

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  7. "The whole of that love washed over me and converted me to the church of Sophie." How sweet! She's such a beautiful baby. I guess the sweetness of having a little baby helps when we're sleep-deprived and feeling like this new little person has consumed us.

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  8. Today I stared at my 35 month old and realized that all of a sudden she no longer has that babyish look...her face is thinning out, she's getting so tall, and she talks like a 6 year old. It just hit me...just today.

    I want my baby back! Cherish Sophie. Every. Single. Minute.

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  9. It's pretty remarkable. Except for the fact that they call me mom, I still find it hard to believe that they came from me!

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  10. You are killing me with these sweet posts.

    First of all, you are a great writer. Each of these posts is such a tribute to bean, and to motherhood in general.

    Great job, girl.

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  11. I totally agree and nursing helps solidify that moment even more. I love that baby stage just because of what you said.

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  12. What a great post. I really like that the baby shower made us reminder and chronicle this most precious time. too bad we didnt win! LOL

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  13. Beautiful site! (I'm new here) Love your pics, the Cabo one...very nice (too bad about your eyes).

    Your little girl brings back nice memories of my own daughters....before they talked back and took every ounce of sanity out of me.

    My oldest just got a tattoo for heaven's sake. I journaled back then when they were young and now I blog about them. This is such a great medium for all your memories! Wonderful site!

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  14. Oh, that precious little newborn face. Didn't ya just love the smell? The feel of that little sleeping body propped on your shoulder? the little puffs of baby breath on your neck...?

    the screaming at all hours of the night...for months on end (!!!!)

    Oh yeah. If only the experience came without that last part!

    Amazing how such a little person can create such a big impact on your life, isn't it?

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Give me some sugar, baby!