Saturday, September 4, 2010


 (Please don't read this one, Mom)
I'm a frayed edge. It's been one of those days, those weeks; too little sleep, too much yelling. Every outing a trial. Nights too short. Days too long. And the weight of everything that has ever gone wrong drags at my feet, pulling me under. The pressure, man, the pressure, and I kick and flail trying to get back up to sweet, clear air.

How many people had perfect childhoods? Where mom and dad stayed together, and you lived in the same house forever, and there were no health issues, and there were no divisions in the family beyond a black sheep uncle that drank too much at Christmas and pissed in the potted palm. What percentage of people do you suppose fall into that category? 25%? 10%? 2%?

I feel like I'm yelling so much these days. That my daughter is constantly tugging at me. Both literally and figuratively as she presses each one of my buttons for maximum effect. Three is turning out to be really, really hard. We're only a month in and my nerves are stretched so thin. I yell at Sophie, I snip at Neil. I don't call my friends because my mind is so full of being a mommy that I can't seem to pull more scintillating things out even when I'm not complaining. I used to be interesting, if I do say so myself. Some even thought me downright funny.

Tell me it gets easier. Tell me there is a day coming when I don't feel like I belong under psychiatric care. Tell me that occasionally regretting being a stay at home mom is normal. That I'm not the only one feeling so completely and wholly incompetent at the task. Tell me I'll fit into those jeans again.

I want my kid to be in that 2%. But right now? I feel like I'm setting her up for a lifetime of therapy.


  1. You need time to yourself. You need to be happy with and about yourself. You need YOU.

    Find a babysitter and go out with a friend for a latte or something. Or go to the bookstore and browse magazines. Buy yourself a Godiva Chocolate at the checkout counter. Be nice to you.

    You'll feel better. The Bean will be better because you'll be better.


  2. I really hate to say this, but perfect doesn't exist. My parents stayed together, we lived in the same house my parents still live in, everyone was healthy and mostly happy -- but we had our issues. Fights still happened; cranky moods, yelling. For the most part, I only remember the good. We usually use the cranky and crazy to harass my parents now. Yeah, I have issues but nothing therapy worthy.

    I think you are too hard on yourself. Being a SAHM is incredibly difficult, I didn't have the courage or fortitude to do it. I'm amazed by women who do. :-)

  3. Oh that is just depressing. I'm SURE more people than that had good and happy childhoods with happy memories! Also, the fact that you can sit here and write about the fact that you're stressed, feeling frayed, having a hard time - that tells me you're a GREAT mom. I yell at my children ALL THE TIME. But overall, they're very happy, loved, taken care of. Just because you yell doesn't mean you're a bad mom raising your child in an unhappy home! Just because you fight with your spouse also doesn't mean your child will need a lot of therapy. I'm telling you, it's HARD as HECK being a parent. I don't know if it does get any easier. I have no idea, because every day, even though I work full-time outside of the home, I'm faced with challenged and struggles and I wonder how the 'perfect' people do it. Like the moms who don't yell? What the heck is their secret?

  4. We're a month and a half in to 3, too, and I LITERALLY just snapped at him, "Stop yelling at me!!" as he pulled a "Stewie/Lois" thing on me. I can't say from experience whether or not it gets better, I just assume it does.

    Hang in there. (hug)

  5. My dear friend, you are totally and completely normal.


  6. Cara, I brag about you all the time! "My friend Cara said _____ the other day" (no not a cuss word) Its usually something funny or smart you said. And the other night as I was rocking Lilly to sleep (the only time I have a minute with my thoughts) I thought "I am so lucky to have Cara as a friend, life is much more fun with her to kibitz with".

    Plus, you're really really cool.

  7. Three sure was hard for me. Three about did me in. I read parenting books like crazy. A big part of it is that my son has issues. He has sensory processing disorder and may turn out to have social delays even though he tested very bright and has excellent language skills. A friend suggested he is what is known as "twice exceptional," but at four, he's still too young to find out if he's gifted along with having issues. This may not be your situation, but I agree that getting out and doing things you enjoy does a mama a world of good. Hugs....

  8. Come on...seriously...shouldn't everyone be in therapy anyway? I heard that the Terrible Twos are just the numbing period for the Threes...there may not be enough wine to get me through that year. Yikes.

  9. Oh dear friend, it gets easier. And harder. But what you're feeling and going through with Sophie is completely and utterly normal. Three was harder than two for us; I didn't know if we'd make it through. We did, and you know what? At four, things are much better...PROMISE! And feeling like being a stay-at-home mom might cause you to jump from the nearest bridge is something that we've all felt, trust me. I'm sorry you're feeling stressed out, and I wish I could give you a giant squeeze and a glass of wine. But know that yelling and having bad weeks is all part of the deal...and doesn't mean therapy is in order! xoxoxo

  10. Girl, most days I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails.

    You're not alone.


Give me some sugar, baby!