Sunday, July 26, 2009

Dear Blogher Organizers,

First, I would like to thank you for putting together an enjoyable experience. The sessions were interesting (if a tad overcrowded), the parties were fab (although can we talk about the $9 drinks?) and don’t even get me started on the swag. Let’s just say my suitcase weighed 20 pounds on the way out and 50 on the way back.

But I have one issue that I would like to address. Something that was near criminal in the level of irresponsible planning required. What I’m referring to, of course, is the amount of beans you foisted on us during luncheons and cocktail parties. While I am an ardent bean lover, in fact, have a hard time resisting the little beauties, they are not such lovers of my digestive system.

When meeting hundreds of new people for the first time, concentrating on clenching your cheeks for fear of an errant SBD, or worse, a full-on butt trumpet, is seriously prohibitive in the creation of a comfortable dialogue. Sadly, ever since my daughter came barreling down the birth canal (my husband actually said, “Holy cats, nice catch Doc!”), this sort of control is not what it used to be, Kegels and an excellent obstetric surgeon aside.

Additionally, the magical fruit, as it is often called, has a savage impact on my otherwise regular constitution. The less said about this aspect the better, but suffice it to say that my normally pampered posterior was subjected to many, MANY visits to hotel and restaurant bathrooms and the rough toilet paper they provide. Is it really so much to ask for some two-ply?

In conclusion, I would like to kindly request that for future conferences, you consider the impact of the food choices you offer. Might I even recommend offering a little cheese? Thank you for your attention to this important matter.

Sincerely,
CaraBee

31 comments:

  1. That's funny... I didn't notice a lot of beans. I think I had two dishes with beans in them. As for cheese, that causes problems for some people's digestive tracts, too. But you're right, it's all a matter of balance...

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  2. This was NOT EVEN REMOTELY what I was expecting. hahaha! poor Cara :P

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  3. Isn't it ironic that your blog is "the land of bean?" =}

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  4. I did not attribute that to the beans, but I certainly did not have the perfect ideal digestive weekend myself. So, you are not alone! (But I will say this: Saturday night's melon and prosciutto canapes ruled school.) (And if they caused any issues I had, so be it.)

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  5. Oh my!

    Cara is Full of Beans!

    Thanks for the warning, lol.

    When we DO meet I am well informed;)

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  6. first I LOVE that this post is about farting. I so understand. Maybe a little Beano next?

    YOu crack me up and so much more than fabulous!!!!

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  7. You're hilarious! I want to hear more about your experience at BlogHer! Are you going to go again next year? Please go! NYC! I want to meet you!
    P.S. Tell me about the swag!

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  8. It's true. I was so glad to get back to my room and find it empty. Or to be able to walk down the hall by myself, casually scenting the entire hotel.

    Glad to know it wasn't just me.

    Love ya.

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  9. Hysterical! Truly, TOO funny! Glad you had fun...can't WAIT to hear more! =)

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  10. Whew! That is why I couldn't go...ha! Love it.

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  11. LOL and my first thought was why are you taling about Sophie?
    LOL sound like you had a wonderful time besides the bean issue? awsome

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  12. *note to self: if ever attend Blogher, be sure to pack Beano

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  13. FYI: Colon Cleanse prior to event. Then you can silently toot away and they don't stink.

    Just a suggestion.

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  14. HILARIOUS!!! I know all about the bean dilemma.

    Glad you had a nice time in Chicago!

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  15. I guess that puts an entirely different spin on "Land of Bean." Yeah, I'll have to agree that beans aren't good for anyone in large amounts.

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  16. ROFL!

    There was quite a bean representation there.

    Glad I wasn't the only one who was clenching ;)

    So glad I got to finally meet you!!!!

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  17. Ah, so all the people who asked if your blog was about beans weren't so far off the mark . . .

    You must have done a great job clenching because I did not smell a thing!

    Hilarious post.

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  18. Hahahaha... this is a great post-blogher essay.

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  19. ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    How will you top this one???

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  20. How much do I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you wrote about this. All these other peeps are bragging about swag...complaining about the mean girls...stirring the rumor mill about grabby PR reps...etc, etc, etc.

    But no.
    You are addressing the bean issue.

    Did Beano pay you for this?


    Incredible. You are amazing.

    p.s. Now please go watch Torchwood: Children of Earth. Girl, we have MUCH to discuss. You. Are. Gonna. Die. Seriously.

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  21. Good observation! So cool to hang out with you (beans and all):)

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  22. lol,

    How many beans do the Irish put in their stew?

    239.

    Why 239? Because just more more bean would be too far-ty.

    ba dum-dum dum
    (I'm here all week!)

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  23. This is hilarious. Especially since I experienced the same thing and couldn't put my finger on why it was happening. Thanks for the explaining the reason for all of the digestive problems.

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  24. Oh my goodness, this had me laughing out loud!

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  25. What an odd ingredient to dish out in excess! I'm used to too much pasta and chicken caesar salad at that kind of thing---guess they're trying to be a little more adventuresome? Too funny...I just love your fresh take on things, Cara!

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  26. I totally didn't go anywhere near the beans. For almost exactly this reason.

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  27. "Full-on butt trumpet..." Magnificent. That is so funny, I nearly tooted myself from laughing so hard!

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Give me some sugar, baby!