The Void

I'm having one of those days, those weeks, where I feel beat down. Trodden upon and left as roadkill. I haven't had a good night's sleep in forever. I yawn at 8pm, but when it comes time to lay head to pillow, I am wide awake. And wide awake I stay for hours. I have even resorted to taking sleep aids, to little avail. I just can't stop my brain from whirring. The little cogs and wheels kachinka-kachinka-kachinka while I work through the day's thoughts, chewing on the what-ifs and shouldas.

I'll blame this on female problems. On hormones gone wild. And there's validity to that. My system is none too reliable. But I hate to do that. I hate to point the finger at lady bidness. I don't want any future crankiness to instantly be labeled as "girl problems." Although, let's face it, they probably will be.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. Probably not a good thing in this state of mind. It makes me want to do something drastic. Change. Not because it is necessary, but just for the sake of something different. I'm going through one of those spells where I feel stagnant. Nothing especially satisfies me. My weight loss has stalled out in the last week and it feels like the effort that I put into monitoring every goddamn calorie that goes into my mouth and the hours I spend at the gym are wasted. And it makes me want to go to town on a Whopper meal and follow it up with a triple decker hot fudge sundae from Friendly's.

Then I think about Oprah, and how she says that we're not eating for the food, we're eating to fill some other void and I wonder what my void is. Because it isn't work. I ate just the same then. And it isn't love, because I have the best and most loving husband and daughter. So what then? What is my void? Why does it have to be a void? Why can't it just be that I like cheeseburgers and sundaes and I want to gobble them up? Why does it always have to be about some deeper issue? Can't it sometimes just be what it is?

I want a Dr. Pepper. There's nothing deep about that.

Update: Had a playdate and bitchfest with a girlfriend this afternoon. I'm much better now*. Never mind.

*Every time I read/say this, I hear Harry's dad from Night Court. Who, incidentally, was played by John Astin, the original Gomez Addams (our cat is named Gomez after this character) and who now lives in Baltimore and teaches at Hopkins.

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