Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Void

I'm having one of those days, those weeks, where I feel beat down. Trodden upon and left as roadkill. I haven't had a good night's sleep in forever. I yawn at 8pm, but when it comes time to lay head to pillow, I am wide awake. And wide awake I stay for hours. I have even resorted to taking sleep aids, to little avail. I just can't stop my brain from whirring. The little cogs and wheels kachinka-kachinka-kachinka while I work through the day's thoughts, chewing on the what-ifs and shouldas.

I'll blame this on female problems. On hormones gone wild. And there's validity to that. My system is none too reliable. But I hate to do that. I hate to point the finger at lady bidness. I don't want any future crankiness to instantly be labeled as "girl problems." Although, let's face it, they probably will be.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. Probably not a good thing in this state of mind. It makes me want to do something drastic. Change. Not because it is necessary, but just for the sake of something different. I'm going through one of those spells where I feel stagnant. Nothing especially satisfies me. My weight loss has stalled out in the last week and it feels like the effort that I put into monitoring every goddamn calorie that goes into my mouth and the hours I spend at the gym are wasted. And it makes me want to go to town on a Whopper meal and follow it up with a triple decker hot fudge sundae from Friendly's.

Then I think about Oprah, and how she says that we're not eating for the food, we're eating to fill some other void and I wonder what my void is. Because it isn't work. I ate just the same then. And it isn't love, because I have the best and most loving husband and daughter. So what then? What is my void? Why does it have to be a void? Why can't it just be that I like cheeseburgers and sundaes and I want to gobble them up? Why does it always have to be about some deeper issue? Can't it sometimes just be what it is?

I want a Dr. Pepper. There's nothing deep about that.

Update: Had a playdate and bitchfest with a girlfriend this afternoon. I'm much better now*. Never mind.

*Every time I read/say this, I hear Harry's dad from Night Court. Who, incidentally, was played by John Astin, the original Gomez Addams (our cat is named Gomez after this character) and who now lives in Baltimore and teaches at Hopkins.

Have you stopped in over at BlogTrotting today?


  1. I have been having on of those kinds of weeks,mine stem from having a bunch of seizures.

  2. I love how having a bitchfest with a girlfriend makes me feel better.

  3. The void? Bullshit. Food tastes good. Being hungry sucks. The end.

  4. Scary Mommy nailed it.

    You hit a plataue...that's all. A cheeseburger and Dr.Pepper ain't gonna hurt. (it never seems too with me...I eat what I want, but I work out...good deal)

    God, I love food. Don't dwell on it so much. Go eat, and enjoy!

  5. I don't think it's the food or the female issues....I think it's the frickin SNOW. You probably are feeling SADD....literally.

    Pray for sun and have a great day getting pampered with your haircut. Spring is almost here!

  6. I get this.

    I am so glad that you had some time with your friends. Maybe I need to do this too.

  7. Yep, girl friends make it all better sometimes.

    Winter blues suck. I'm right there with you, except I think I'm just too busy to notice it most days (you know, three kids, work, school, house, husband).

    Hey, that's the answer! You need another kid, go back to school, a part-time job, and then you'll be too busy to notice the void.

    I'm kidding. Really, I am. Let's just run off to a warm beach somewhere until the snow is gone, and we'll be SO much better.

  8. I know what the void is. It's all that white stuff outside of your door. And you just want some color in your life. Yep. That's it.

    So...what do you think Oprah's void is? :-)

    Do you have an extra Dr Pepper??

    Word verification: wetropr

  9. Maybe it is just the winter blahs... a bit of depression... at whatever...I can't pin-point one problem really, but I am eating more than usual lately, I have gained weight since my vacation in Florida... it's just an icky month, that's all. My hubs and I need to spend more time together, that's for sure. Maybe that's my void? Or maybe Jill is right and really, it's just b/c we love food? Sigh. I don't know. Feel better! HUGS!

  10. I ask myself about my void all the time but who knows.

    Let's focus on the positives -- Dr. Pepper is simply wonderful and the calories are worth it!

    Also, you have a Friendly nearby? I am SO JEALOUS! I used to work at Friendly, but all the ones near where I grew up are now closed. Sad and sad.

  11. Also, I just thinking that I've heard Oprah say, "I thought I just liked chips" about a hundred times.

  12. On the sleep issue:

    I have the same problem, except I don't sleep because of paranoia. I seem to still be living life 4 months ago...when my son was first born and never slept.

    Even though he sleeps all night now, and has done so consistently, I am up waiting for him to wake up.

    It's truly pitiful.

  13. If it helps at all, I commend you for dieting/working out at this time of year. I'm doing the opposite -- just guzzled two glasses of applejuice, and it literally HURTS my gut to lean forward in these jeans and type a comment right now. I need to move my #ss off the chair. And so does Oprah.

  14. I can relate. BTW, you looke fantastic today. Did you get your eyebrows done? I mean it. I kept thinking, "wow, I wish I looked like that". Hang in there, I think its a female thing to have ups and downs. Nuttin' wrong with that. I use food for comfort and Lord knows what my void is. SAHM can be a lonely life.

  15. Seriously, don't listen to Oprah. She is satan's messenger. Or something like that. And sometimes we eat because well it just tastes good dammit.

    I cannot believe us EE/SS peeps are STILL cycling together.

    word verification: grummels - that sums up my own bitchfest this week!

  16. The only thing better than catching up with a girlfriend is catching up with a girlfriend over cheeseburgers. And Dr. Pepper. Hope your doldrums disappear soon. (February's almost over!)

  17. word.

    i have an awesome husband and awesome kids and i often feel a void and then i got out with some friends and am okay for a day or two but it happens all over. gah. im pretty sure my thing is all about the mid life crisis though. i don't know what i want to be when i grow up.

  18. Wow, I could've written this entry at least once a week for the last 5 years. I completely understand where you're coming from! I cannot figure out what void I'm trying to fill either with my eating issues. It's so incredibly frustrating. I hope you're feeling better and that things are looking up already! :-)

  19. I'm in a funk...I blame the weather...

  20. I TOTALLY feel you!! I wonder the same things when I go off the deep end with food. What is it?? Or is it nothing?? I don't know...maybe just what your title is--void. SOmetimes life feels that way and it's hard to explain...

  21. I am so sorry you had such a rough day. I get like that too, particularly when I have not slept well. Sleep makes ALL the difference in my attitude toward just about everything.

    And sometimes you just need a cheeseburger, without the side of guilt.

    And can I just say I am NOT an Oprah fan, so yeah, I think most of the world isn't as complicated as she tries to make it sound, lol!

    Hugs and hope today is better!!


Give me some sugar, baby!