Friday, June 19, 2009

The One Where I Talk About My Boobs and Make All The Men In My Life Uncomfortable

As usual, I thought I was doing things the right way. And also as usual, I was wrong.

I nursed Sophie for the last time on Monday night. (sob) I had been nursing her just one time a day for the previous week leading up to this. I thought for sure my body was ready to give up the ghost. Wrong-o buckwheat.

Tuesday I was mostly okay, but by Wednesday morning the girls were in bad shape. Engorgement city. I pumped a little, just to take the edge off, but that's like putting a band-aid on a broken leg. They say if you pump too much, that it will make your body think you need to keep producing, so I have to keep it to a minimum.

Since my daughter's goal in life seems to be to kick, punch, knee, body slam and head butt my unbelievably tender boosies whenever she gets anywhere close to me, I needed to find some way to help me get through this time. I had heard before about cabbage but I hadn't really given it much thought. When my discomfort hit OHMYGOD level, I knew something had to change, so I did some research and decided to give it a go. I called up Neil and asked him to pick up a head on his way home. If the grocery clerks knew what he was getting it for, he would never have done it, as he is one of those no-feminine-products-purchasing kind of husbands, but who's going to think anything about a head of cabbage?

When he got it home, I immediately ripped off a couple of leaves and stuck them down my bra. For one thing, the leaves are the perfect shape. It's as though mother nature had this very purpose in mind when she created these beauties. Also, the leaves retain their coolness for an astonishingly long time. Like an hour, truly. Finally, you'd think that after a bit I would smell just a tad of slaw, or worse, sauerkraut, but no. No smell at all.

I'm not sure if it's the coolness or if there is some chemical in the leaves, whatever the case, it helps. It really does. So while I feel like a complete doofus walking around with vegetables in my bra, I'm not stopping until I'm through this nasty phase.

I'm considering creating a line of nursing bras with inserts for cabbage. I think it could be the next big thing. I'm working on a preliminary design. What do you think? There will, of course, also be a red cabbage version.
















What? I couldn't very well post an actual picture of me with cabbage in my bra.

PS - Neil woke me up this morning to tell me he'd had a dream that there were rabbits in our bed coming after the cabbage. Let's keep our fingers crossed that doesn't happen.

23 comments:

  1. OMG you are HILARIOUS! Hahaha! The picture is so cute, seriously, cabbage boobs and all! Love it! And wow, so cool to hear that actually works! If I ever have a third baby, I'll remember this tip!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh HOW I wished I knew this three kids ago...

    Surely there's a market for this picture!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was NOT expecting that at the end.

    BEST PICTURE EVER. Oh my stars, you win. HILARIOUS!!!!!

    p.s. Don't let PETA get a hold of this--they'll want you for their latest ad campaign.
    Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can't imagine rabbits coming after you and nibbling at the cabbage would help the pain!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Thanks for the laugh, I really need that today.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm just so glad it worked! And the cabbage bra is AWESOME!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I went through the same thing. Seven straight days, I swear I thought it would go on forever.

    Nice ta tas by the way

    ReplyDelete
  8. Gald it's working for you, just as long as we done have slaw at the party!!!LOL

    ReplyDelete
  9. OMG that is seriously funny! lol! I never breastfed, but had the engorgement w/my first (then found out they had a pill for that! ughhh) it was sickening. From a B to a DD.

    Cabbage huh? I'll have to pass that one along, as that is truly amazing. You've done a great service for engorged moms throughout the land of cyber.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am just imagining you screaming "The rabbits are coming! The rabbits are coming!" as you wake from your slumber in a sweat.

    Then you punch Neil for sharing his dream with you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. *takes notes*

    Love the last paragraph. Hahah, too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  12. You are so funny! And sadly I am jealous of your cabbage leaves. I am afraid I would just need tea leaves for my little girls:(

    ReplyDelete
  13. Could you get cracking on creating this new invention.... baby boy due in a month and I might need one sooner than later.

    Thanks & You look HOT!!! - Melanie

    ReplyDelete
  14. Nice rack! I am cracking up.

    ReplyDelete
  15. So that's what they mean about finding babies in the cabbage patch!

    LOVE the bra!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am thinking I need to try that. Cabbage is useful indeed. I'll be so sad on my last day of nursing, too.

    ReplyDelete
  17. you poor thing - you are good - I always gave in with the nursing! I would never be able to take the pain! (I had mastitis 5 times with my last baby and chronic clogged ducts!)

    ReplyDelete
  18. How in the heck did I miss this gem of a post! Can you bring that bra in November? If I bring something like that home, maybe my hubby will let me go back a little more easily! He loves cabbage....especially red cabbage. We have it every Thanksgiving so the timing will be perfect!
    You are a smokin' hot bunny trap!

    ReplyDelete
  19. ROFL!!! You are riot with your cabbage bewbs :)

    I'm so sorry to hear about the engorgement. I remember those weaning days well. Oh the pain! Hope you find some relief soon.

    ReplyDelete
  20. You poor thing! At least you can say that you hold vegetables close to your heart! :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hahahaha... I'm dying here.
    The cabbage bra photo was funny on it's own, but add in the dream of rabbits in your bed and I'm rolling on the floor!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Girl, you should be walking down the runway at Victoria's Secret! Put a few rhinestones on those leaves, and you've got a winner!

    I feel your pain. I nursed Gabe the longest, and had to stop suddenly when I was a camp nurse for the week the summer before he turned one. Good times (NOT!).

    Hope you're feeling better soon!

    ReplyDelete

Give me some sugar, baby!