Tuesday, June 16, 2009

More of My Crazy

While on the way to the gym today, I followed a minivan into the parking lot. As we turned into the lane in front of the building, I noticed two spots directly across from each other. Obviously the minivan saw them, too, because he turned to park in one of them. Behind him, I waited for him to pull in so that I could park. As I waited patiently, he, ever so slowly, maneuvered his car into the spot on our right. Just as I was about to move, he started backing up. So. Slowly. Then he stopped.

He was far enough out, and I was uncertain enough about what he was doing that I stayed where I was, watching. After a few more seconds, he started moving again and backed into the spot across the aisle. All in all, it took about 45-60 seconds, and was in no way a major crime, but I was irritated enough that I honked at him and gestured to his first spot. I might have said something along the lines of "jackass" as I did so, which would have been quite clear to him as we were not far apart and at this point our faces were visible to each other.

The irony here is that I am not a honker. I couldn't tell you the last time I honked at someone. I'll admit to occasionally (alright, often) venting a teensy bit* when someone does something stupid, but I do it within the closed window confines of my car. I very rarely go so far as to actually let them in on my displeasure.

Meanwhile, the guy then pulls back out and parks in his original spot. (To recap: that was parked in the right, backed out into the one on the left, and then pulled back into the one on the right.) Truly, my honk was not so much, "I want that particular spot" as it was to say, "what the hell, dude, pick one and get on with it." So after all of this, I pull into the spot on the left that he has just vacated. Of course, when we're getting out of our respective cars, he is right across from me. He yells out, Good Morning, to which I grumble back, good morning. Because now I feel like an idiot. I'm not your confrontational type and certainly not when I have totally overreacted over something so trivial. But neither do I like admitting I'm wrong. Just ask Neil.

Once in the gym, I dance around him. I am acutely aware of where he is and make every effort to not come into contact with him. On the inside I want to say, "I am sorry for honking, not sure what I was thinking." But I just can't bring myself to go up to him and say it.

The worst part is that I know this nothing incident will haunt me. I know that weeks, months, years from now, I will still feel bad about it. There are a thousand of these events in my past. From the time when a girlfriend asked me if her newly platinum blond hair looked natural and I blurted out something along the lines of "no one with eyebrows that dark has hair that light" to the time I heartlessly told a friend about the really nasty symptoms of a condition she was concerned she might have, likely scaring her worse than she already was. All the times I have said or done something rash or careless, causing real or imagined hurt, that will randomly pop into my head, raising the Goliath that is my overactive conscience.

Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I either a) think before I speak/act or b) get over myself and apologize where appropriate or c) realize there is nothing to be done now and let. it. go.

I'll tell you, sometimes I think I am one hot mess.**

*Screaming obscenities while I gesticulate wildly. Meanwhile, my impressionable daughter sits in the back seat with her ears on fire taking in the horrors spewing forth from her mothers mouth, just waiting for the day when she can echo them back in the LEAST appropriate setting possible.

**Neil is no doubt reading this right now thinking "stand back lads, she's ALL mine."


  1. I can't believe you stole my post. What a rotten thing to do! I'm honking my horn at you RIGHT NOW!

    I did something very similar, and what I thought to be far uglier, in the IKEA parking lot. I'm not normally like that, but something just snapped, and I've felt awful about it ever since. And I have the same overactive conscience that just works me over every time I do something thoughtless, or stupid, like I knew better, but I don't know why I just did it. I need to learn to apologize or get over it. It torments me, it really does.

  2. I am so like that along the lines of I can't let things go! I harp, and chew, and worry.

    UGhh! I am so sorry girl. It sucks. Really these words don't put justice to the depth of understanding I feel for what you mean.

    The only things I have come up with to cope are praying and zoloft. ((do I sound pretty desperate to you yet..ick!)

    I think we are just really really sensitive people that act human at times. Most people just walk away and don't give it another thought. It sucks that we can't.

  3. Same here. Guilt haunts me like a bad case of VD.

    Also, I swear. A little bit. Every now and then... ok, a lot / all the time :o)

  4. You're in good company. I'm sure the vast majority of us open mouth (or horn, in some cases ;)) insert foot more often than we'd like.

    Next time you see him you can walk up and say "So who WAS that crazy honking woman the other day?... GEEZ." Nothing like a little humor to defuse a situation.

    On another note, I recently got a note compliments of facebook from a very long lost friend who apologized for something she said 12 years ago. I DID remember (quite vividly, actually) and although I was over the hurt, it was nice to hear an apology... even that late. It's AMAZING what a little 'I'm sorry' can do even long after the fact.

  5. I have been insituations like this and I too name recall each one. But on the other side, he totally deserved the honk.

  6. The other day, we were stuck in traffic when my five year old said, "Come ON, dude, sometime today, already!" And it sounded EXACTLY like me. That was enough to make sure I keep my road rage inside my head. But I do understand why you honked. It's like, "Okay, I'm SO glad you have all day to park, but I have places to be, so please hurry the hell up!"

  7. Hi my name is Kori and I am a serial Honker.

    I get very aggitated with people that don't know how to drive.

  8. There's something about getting behind the whel of a car that make your internal filter dis-engage.

    I've done stuff like that...if it were me, I wouldn't have made it into the gym. I would have slinked back to my car and driven away. :)

    I agonize over conversations I've had where I've said something stupid. Drives me nuts but I can't stop.

  9. Oh no. I have those moments. The I so wish I could take that back moments. You are not alone sista!!

  10. you. are. hilarious.

    LOVE the hot mess that you are!!! =)

  11. Yup. Guilty of the same here. Sometimes I really wish my brain would filter everything before it reaches my mouth better.

  12. I am a honker, but not an I'm-in-a-hurry-honker, but a get-off-your-cell-phone-and-pay-attention honker.

    I read a book recently called On Civility, and the author talks about honking and yelling and asks you to imagine how you would feel if the person you honked out turned out to be someone you knew. I have tried (but not always succeeded) to be more patient and less judgmental behind the wheel since reading that.

    That being said though, the other driver was a man, right? Guaranteed he had forgotten the whole incident by the time he walked through the front doors of the gym. Please don't let this incident haunt you!

  13. LOL I would have been right there honking with you!! and aslo been avoiding him in the gym like the plague! let it go like someone said he prob forgot when he walked in the gym door! LOL

  14. Let. It. Go.

    We will NOT speak of this in November. As it will be long forgotten.

  15. Eh. He totally had that honking coming! He WAS, in fact, being a jackass!

  16. I do the same... stew and worry, stew and worry. Sigh.

  17. Okay, here's a completely different take on this.

    WHAT IFFFF this dude was a serial rapist or killer? You just let him know you weren't going to take his shit or get away with stupidity. What if he's one of those parking lot stalkers? He knows not to F with you.

    So there you have it.

    You did a good thing to keep this psycho away and you didn't even know it.


  18. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. What was with this guy and his indecision. Let it go and DO NOT change gyms. This is a big deal for you but I am sure this guy is over it and on to bigger fish to fry.

  19. He's probably forgotten all about it. :)

  20. oh you are a sensitive one - you poor girl! Don't fret on it - obviously the dude did NOT have his morning coffee and was driving while still sleeping!

  21. I think it was OK to honk. I suppose you could have apologized a bit after, but really man. He should be embarrassed that someone had witnessed such a poor parking procedure.


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