Tuesday, September 9, 2008


1:47. The oversized red numbers on the clock are an accusation as I come awake.

I look around my room, at the small amount of light that filters in through the blinds. I can hear my daughter in the next room. Punctuations of sound.

I roll over and press the button on the video monitor. The small screen blazes to life with the image of my daughter's crib. All that I can see of the child herself is the top of her head. She is definitely awake.

I lay on my side staring at the screen, willing my daughter to lay down and go back to sleep. Sometimes, oh those wonderful sometimes, she does.

1:53. I'll wait two more minutes and then I'll go in. Maybe I won't have to get up.

Her crying escalates and now she is shouting mamamamamama. It rends my heart.

1:54. I throw back the covers and climb out of bed. I know exactly where to place each step in the dark so that the floor won't creak as I walk into her room.

When I open her door, I can just make out her face in the meager light given off by her butterfly nightlight. She is standing at the near end of the crib, her hands hooked over the rail, holding, pulling. Her face is a grimace of desperation.

I reach in and lift her up and out. I pull her to me, her arms go around my neck and her breathing evens.

I carry her to the rocker and sit down for a little cuddle and nursing.

2:09. I return to my bed. I think that these nighttime wakenings need to end. That I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a year. I think tomorrow will be the day I institute the cry it out method. People say it works and if I don't get more than 4 hours of sleep in a row soon, I might go crazy.

But deep down I love that she can't go more than 5 or 6 hours without me. I get satisfaction out of her need for me. And I know that I won't be able to let her cry it out tomorrow any more than I could today.


  1. Yawn... I haven't had a decent night's sleep in 9 years!

    She WILL grow out of the nighttime wake-ups. It's hard to think of trying to change things when you're already exhausted from months of sleeplessness... Hope she gives you a little break, soon!

  2. I remember those times of creeping onto the girls' rooms, stepping in just the right spots (and if I didn't and the floor creaked? Yikes!)

    She'll get over it and you will sleep. Promise.

  3. Those late-night moments have got to be so difficult for you and her both. Hopefully she grows out of them soon so you can get more rest!

  4. Oh, hon... I, too, was up last night. WITH MY 18 MONTH OLD! It's really, really got to stop...

  5. Look at that bit of deliciousness all dreamy and happy with her thumb. My youngest is a thumb sucker...and I love it.

    The crying it out thing is hard--and we didn't do it 'til both of ours finished nursing, after they'd turned 1. With our first it took a while--and took a lot out of us emotionally, I won't lie. With our second...well, she cried 5 minutes the first night, 2 the second, and not a bit the 3rd night. That was that. She's been sleeping from 8:30 pm 'til 8 am ever since. Please don't hate me--every child is different.

    And now that I said this Caroline will probably wake at 3 am, demanding "JUICE!"
    p.s. This was beautifully written...I loved it!

  6. OO the crying out I still get it a few times a month recently we had a early morning visitor every morning I thik we have gotten it to stop. But I do remember the cry inthe middle of the night it's hard but it will work I would start with the picking up at first but then just do the hugging but not picking her up because she is so used to it. she will never let you go.LOL I know a great feeling but not so when you are dead tired and doing it every 3-4 hours good luck!!

  7. Here's what you need: Ocean Wonders Aquarium music box. You can get it at Target, Babies R us, lots of places. I hear that music box go off at all hours of the night, but no crying. I never ever have to get up in the wee hours. Ever. You might need to do CIO eventually, but try this first. I couldn't live without it. They also listen to them in the morning and give me about 45 more minutes sleep.

    Go get it right now.

  8. I hope she sleeps through the night soon, for your sake.

    Sleeping is just about my favorite thing to do and I'm hoarding it now. I'm not looking forward to the sleeplessness... but it's for a good cause, right?

  9. Aw, she is precious! Though, crying babies? You have probably figured out - not so much my thing. LOL :)

  10. Oh, that is such a sweet photo. Crying it out does hurt to hear but after a few nights it is over. This is all theory mind you - we still haven't instituted crying it out here. He eventually just started sleeping thru the night on his own. We have to work on bedtime now.

    I did see the Today Show - I am so happy to hear that news!

  11. Oh, sleep, glorious sleep...it will come again in a few years!

  12. The CIO is so tough--I only did it w/ one of my kids out of total desperation. I hadn't slept in months and I was desperate. She still looks so little (and such a cute pic!!)--she'll be sleeping through the night before you know it!

  13. Ah. I could have written this post about a year ago. Around the time Fly turned a year old, I think, I started giving him water or milk in a bottle when he woke up at night. That really made him mad! He wanted to nurse! But he got used to it. Eventually, when he realized he was only going to get a bottle, it wasn't worth waking up for, for him. He still wakes up in the night a couple times a week. But that's better than every night! Hope you can get some sleep, girl!

  14. This post took the words right out of my mouth. Night wakenings give me mixed feelings too. On one hand, I need a decent nights sleep, on the other, gosh I love holding him in my arms as he nurses and slowly drifts in and out of sweet baby sleep. BTW,the pic of Sophie is so precious.

  15. Hang in there. We let the Bub CIO to drop one of our night-time feedings and luckily he only cried for 20 minutes.

    I love the detail of you knowing where to step so that the floor doesn't creak. Does your husband, like mine, pounce around like Godzilla, heedless of the various creaks?

  16. She is so precious! I hope you can find the strength to let her cry a couple of nights and the nightly wakings should stop. She's learned that there is a reward for waking up. I'm not sure I could resist her though!!


Give me some sugar, baby!